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What lies ahead in 2008  Our
reporter Malcolm Rogers — otherwise known as MYSTIC MALC —
peers into his crystal ball to take a light-hearted look at what 2008
has in store for us...
As a wise person once said: “I have seen the future and it is just like
the present, only longer.”
With that in mind, we have a peek at what 2008 has in store for us. And
it might not be what you expect.
In the world of arts:
- At the cinema The Wind That Shakes The Barley II is a huge success but the
lavish production Harry Potter Meets Samuel Beckett, while critically
acclaimed, is a huge flop.
- Bono finally leaves U2 to work with Nobel literary prize winner Cecilia
Ahern on a major biography of Lord Terence of Wogan. Bono is replaced
in U2 by Daniel O’Donnell.
- Colin Farrell is chosen to play the part of Don Corleone in The Godfather
VIII. He is later dropped by Martin Scorsese because: “He looks
more like an assistant supermarket supervisor than a Mafiosi.”
- The BBC’s plan to slowly kill off the cast of EastEnders as
a cost-cutting measure is widely welcomed.
In the commercial world:
- After Michael O’Leary’s failure to acquire Aer Lingus
he buys Bus Eireann instead and offers cheap, no-frills bus journeys to
15 major European destinations.
-Bertie Ahern launches his ROBBO — Rich People’s Overseas
Bonus — a tax-free savings scheme primarily aimed at builders and
land speculators. Bertie gives a talk to them in Manchester wearing what
he jokingly (and pointedly) calls his bionic trousers — with specially
big pockets.
- Ireland remains the richest country in the world with the lowest tax
rate in the galaxy. The super-rich, ultra-rich and filthy-rich announced
themselves well-satisfied with the state of affairs.
- Father Horan Interstellar Airport in Knock finally opens for the very
first package flights to the Moon — where one passenger has already
seen a moving statue near the Sea of Tranquillity.
In politics:
- Kim Jong-il of North Korea visits the North of Ireland during
the summer. Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness jokes to President
Kim about his nuclear arms programme: “I don’t know how you
get all that fertiliser on one missile.”
Kim Jong-il enters into the spirit of things by picking up Martin’s
pet collie and quipping: “Hey — let’s wok the dog!”
- Bad news is announced that Asteroid B7657 is on course to hit the Earth
in 2008. The good news is that it could finally settle the Middle East
crisis.
- The problem of Spanish students clogging up the centre of Dublin continues
unabated and various measures are introduced to combat the growing nuisance.
The Lord Mayor of Dublin Senor Manuel Echevarria tells the Daíl
that he needs greater powers to combat the problem.
- Most of the tribunals into financial irregularities in the Republic
are still ongoing (Mahon, Moriarty etc). Already, almost everybody in
Ireland has appeared before the enquiries — by 2009 everyone in
Ireland will have helped authorities with their enquiries.
International news:
- A new strain of bird flu attacks thin white women. All other women
feign concern.
- Meanwhile, the latest £500 robotic pet goes on sale in the USA
aimed at: “The man who has everything — except a life.”
- Minister of Education in Britain announces the Dunce’s Cap is
to be re-introduced to help drive-up standards.
- Gordon Brown tries to barge in on a photograph of EU leaders from
the Eurozone. An ugly scuffle ensues with Mr Brown head-butting the head
of the European Central Bank and telling the other heads of state they
can “Euronate off”.
Sporting news:
- John O’Brearty the legendary 1940s athlete dies at the age of
97. He is widely believed to have been the last athlete never to have
used steroids.
- Ireland completely takes the International Olympic Committee by surprise
by winning a gold medal. Regrettably, the IOC have not bothered to buy
an Irish Tricolour nor does anyone have a copy of The Soldier’s
Song.
In education and religion:
- In a ruling at the beginning of the school term education authorities
insist that bulletproof vests be distributed to schoolchildren in Limerick
must be in school colours.
- For the first time ever there are now four Irish-born cardinals —
Keith O’Brien (Edinburgh), Desmond Connell (Dublin, retired), Cahal
Daly (Armagh, retired) and Sean Brady (Primate of All Ireland). In 2008
the quartet decide to form a boy band — the All Cardinals Holy Roadshow.
Their first big number is a tribute to their venerable age: Stairlift
To Heaven. |
