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A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man
with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar, its almost empty except for one lady down at the end, the bartender asks him what he wants, he says "a beer - and give the douche bag down at the end of the bar a drink." Well, the bartender is indignant, and tells the guy that this is not that kind of bar, and to be civil. And the customer, shrugs, and says again, "Give me a beer and the douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." Well, the bartender stifles his anger, and goes down to the end of the bar and tells the lady, "This JERK down there wants to buy you a drink, what'll you have?" She says "Vinegar and water please."

So this guy walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass from 30 feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $500, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the bartender paces off 30 feet, and the contest begins. The man pees all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $500, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $200 apiece that I could come in here and pee all over the bar."

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.